my future's so bright...

Progress.

It has been a week of self-exploration. Honestly, I do not know what the result of all this will be, what the end looks like. I hate trying to stop and figure things out; I am too impatient for that. Anyway, maybe to know would be too limiting. And I have been on kind of a roll lately.

Things are feeling less like a mescaline trip gone wrong. I am reaching a level of clarity that surpasses anything I have previously known. That is not to say that the problem has ceased; I still dissociate. I have a feeling it will be a long time until I can stay in my own head completely. But what has been helping me is recognizing the advancements I make every day no matter how trivial, and not letting regressions discourage me. Sometimes we all slip, and that is okay.

Maybe my new found optimism is due to all the support I have been receiving from my family and friends. Maybe my confidence and self-assurance has increased as I have been actively applying the skills I have been taught in "real" situations now. Maybe something just finally clicked, and I can see that there really are infinite possibilities. 

I used to find it hard to accept the reality of my situation. I thought that if I wanted something badly enough it would be so, and thus wasted a lot of time thinking fantastically. But this is true, in some sense; things are what you make them. While I cannot will myself simply to be different, I can choose how I approach life. And if I choose to act with fierce hopefulness, not even I can stand in my own way. My future's so bright....

truth.

Wednesday. Yes, it's Wednesday, and yes, it will be for several more lifetimes. For several more Top 40 Hits reverberating through my neighbor's open window, at least. I can never escape the trappings of pop culture. 

I am exhausted. Throughout the past year I have had to explain myself so much it makes me sick. I do not want to think anymore. I just want to be able to feel, and I want that to be enough. At this point I can't tell if there are a million thoughts screaming at me, or none. I'm not sure if I am achingly miserable or blissfully content; either one could make sense right now. I just am, I suppose.

The problem is that there has been too much noise in my head lately. I have grown so tired of it that I've somehow managed to dissociate myself from it all. While this makes some sense, I still feel a bit confused and somewhat frustrated. I try to remember to live "in the moment", but recently every moment feels like an eternity. 

I am too awake to sleep. Too tired to dream.

When I was 10 one of my neighbors was growing habanero peppers in his window sill. They looked so beautiful. I knew they must be special, sitting in the sun, slowly turning  a brilliant orange. They looked so alive. Vibrant. I wanted one desperately, and begged my neighbor to let me taste one, just one bite. He eventually obliged, no doubt happily anticipating the moment it touched my lips and decimated my taste buds for a week. I still remember that bite, everything about it. I remember exactly how the piquancy felt, the shock and pain and heat, and I remember how grounded I was right then. I was thrust into simply feeling, being. Sensations.

I could attend cognitive therapy today and every day for the rest of my life until I am no more, spending countless hours analyzing my thoughts and trying to retrain patterns, but the fact is, no therapist can teach me how to feel something. Real, honest experiences are the only thing that will save me.