Thursday, July 7, 2011

in a world of my own

This morning I woke up and told myself I am a normal person. There is nothing wrong with me, I said firmly,  and out loud. In fact, I reasoned to the room, my affliction is that I am cursed with some sort of super-sanity.  Unrecognized by those who surround me, the ones who are actually painfully unstable, I am often made out to be the crazy one. Which is just untrue.

I probably would have believed myself, too, if I hadn't spent the entire day tucked into the ceiling watching my every move from above.

Depersonalization is one of my favorite symptoms. If taken in the right mindset, it can be fairly amusing, like playing a third-person video game, only with less control of the avatar. It's healthy to remove oneself from one's self occasionally. The important thing is to not get confused.

Because look:

I am watching myself look into a mirror. I am not looking at my reflection; I am looking at myself look at my reflection. So basically I am operating through an external frame of reference. Which leads me to the question, which "me" is really me, the observer or the physical body? And is there even a difference? Certainly there must be some distinction, because the body I know to be me is right there, living as if nothing is any different than when I was in there. And then there's me, disengaged from my physical tie to life, wondering what the hell is going on.

I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter, either way. An overactive sense of self-awareness is   not so bad, right? And pondering these things is what makes people crazy, after all.   So I figure as long as I keep my separate selves in close proximity I can hold on to the delusion that I have some sort of control.

In my world I'm such a star I get to watch the movie of my own life. In real time.

Actually, I'm not a star; I am a fucking constellation.










2 comments:

  1. That was beautifully put. I never felt I had a bad brain. I had a different view then others like my mind was playing a trick. try to stay in the now right now, and know i send you lots of love always now.

    ventura

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  2. thanks ventura. you really helped me during a very lonely and confused point, and i will never forget your kindness. you definitely helped me out of the funk i was in.

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